Hmmm

I just realized I haven't logged into this thing in a while. I'm gonna see if I can make myself actually use this thing. It feels so weird being back. Kinda like when you step out of a 3 hour movie and your eyes have to adjust to the light, and then you think "wow, stepping out of this movie feels like finally being set free from being someone's hostage in a dark lonely room."

that's right, I just did an analogy within an analogy. There's my Inception-y mind-blower for the night.

2010

Dear 2010,

I must say, I'm a little disappointed. As a kid, 2010 seemed so magical. Just saying "twenty ten" makes me feel futuristic, and yet, here I am, in the present... bored. I'm not shooting lasers at anyone and I'm not using any jedi mind tricks. When I hit 88mph in my car, I'm not brought back to the future, and when I want something cleaned up, I have to do it myself.... manually... I can't just press a button and out pops a robot with a broom and dustpan. Pretty much the only thing futuristic about you is that my phone has a touchscreen. Can we step it up a bit? Maybe at least adopt an earth-wide uniform that's tight and silver, and issue out dark sunglasses... at least something to give the childhood dreams inside of me something to work with.

Meatballs

I can't help but think lately about how proud I am of meatballs for all their accomplishments. I'm pretty sure there was probably a time in history when the meatball didn't exist outside of spaghetti. I mean, seriously, it's just a balled up piece of ground beef. It doesn't sound all that tempting, right? I mean, it's like going to McDonald's and getting a bunless, cheeseless, ketchupless, mustardless, onionless, pickleless, wrapless cheeseburger... and then asking the person behind the counter if they'd mash it together for you... doesn't sound so tempting, does it? But regardless, the meatball managed to roll itself out of the pasta and evolve into it's own thing. And now everyone's all about the meatball. Weddings, funerals, parties, holidays... they're all throwing meatballs in a pot by themselves and serving them out... and you know what? We people are lovin' em. We can't get enough. We're devouring them up faster than we are the spaghetti in the next pot over. And so, meatballs, I commend you for what you have accomplished.

Bank Robber

I think if I were ever going to rob a bank, I'd just have them deposit all the money into my account. That way I wouldn't have to carry all those loads to my car. And if I didn't already have an account, I'd start one while I was there. Maybe they'd be so grateful they wouldn't bother to call the cops. After all, I am depositing a lot of money. And who knows, I may even get a free gift. A duffle bag would be nice in case I wanted to take a little bit of money with me.

Potato

I was just thinking. That "I say potato, you say potato" song doesn't really have quite the same effect when it's just written down.

Best Stop... Number Two

Best Stop... Number Two
Originally uploaded by JoshWax

So, I stopped to get gas today, and I'm still not certain if I picked the best place to stop. I kind of get the impression it may have only been the second best. Not really sure how that works.

Trends

I was behind a van earlier, and on the rear window it had "ACROPHOBIA" in big letters. Under that, in smaller letters, it said "fear of heights." Is there a new trend that I'm unaware of where people put vocabulary terms and definitions on their vehicles?

It's about time, because I've been waiting for the right time to put "volte-face: a reversal, as in policy or opinion" on my tribute.

Dear Alabama,

Do you realize how many people would be dead right now if stars truly fell on Alabama? Especially 'stars' in the plural form? Must you continue to spread these lies on your license plates?

Evacuations

I just heard the news talk about mandatory evacuations in certain areas. After that, the news talked about voluntary evacuations in certain areas.

Isn't every area ALWAYS under a "voluntary" evacuation???

Italian

I don't care if it is another language or not. I don't think Italian restaurants should have "anti"pastas.

Call me closed-minded, but I believe all Italian entrees should be pro-pasta; regardless of food content.

???

ya know how sometimes you ask a question to a group of people to see if they feel the same way as you, but then you find out that they don't feel the same way, so then you go and deny the fact that you feel that way because you don't want to look stupid?

um yea.....me niether

Bottled Water

i love how bottled water specifies "drinking water" on it as if they sell bottled toilet water or something.

bottled toilet water, eh?

i think i just came on to something. and i can have different brands and flavors. i can see the slogans now...."SURGE....Feed the Flush", or for the Seven Up flavor "Make Seven Flush Yours"....yea yea...that's what i'll do...what a marketing genius i am...i'll have frozen toilet waters too......

who wants to be the first one to try a Flushy?

ziplock

so i was staring at one of those clear ziplock freezer bags, and on it they have that white label which says "contents" and "date" on it...and you write in what they are...

if you have to read the label to find out what's inside a clear ziplock bag...i think it's about that time to throw that thing out

Have You Ever...

Have you ever been listening to a song that is just so awesome and so incredible that it hits that certain piece of your heart and just grabs your soul, and you get so wrapped up in the song that you just have to close your eyes and forget about anything and everything else that is going on around you, and then a few minutes later, when the song is over, you wipe the tears from your eyes and then you begin to open them up for what seems like the first time in your life?

And then suddenly you remember that you're driving?

February 26, 2008 - Tuesday

Dear Webster,

Did you ever notice that if the word "obesity" began with an "A" instead of an "O", the word would be pronounced "A-B-C-D"???

I present this thought to you, because if anyone can change the spelling of a word, it would be you, Webster. See what you can do. And in order to spread the word, I'll go talk to the people at American Heritage and Oxford, but since you two seem so close, could you bring this up with Merriam?

January 20, 2008 - Sunday

Dear Baby Cut Carrots,

You resemble cheetos on the outside, but taste nothing alike. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and shame shame, I know your name. I hereby request that you disband immediately and surrender your profits over to cheetos.

February 8, 2007 - Thursday

Dear Honey Bunches of Oats (part 2)

First off, I would like to commend you on your variety, be it cinnamon, strawberry, banana, peaches, et cetera. Just recently I discovered the Organic Honey Bunches of Oats, which as the very informative employee at Walmart tells me, it differs from the original because they make sure no pesticides or anything along those lines were used.

I was finally able to sit down this morning to a bowl, and I couldn't help but feel that it lacked the Honey Bunches of goodness that I once fell in love with. So I present to you these two theories I believe you should look into.

Theory 1
Whereas I agree with your decision to go the extra step in making a healthy product even healthier, I do believe that "organic" is not the way to go. Until you can convince everyone else to jump on the organic bandwagon, it seems pretty pointless for me to worry about Honey Bunches of Oats having unnatural ingredients when everything else available to me throughout the day has the same amount, or even more unnatural ingredients as your product. Perhaps if you could convince McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Pizza-Hut, and/or Hersheys to go along with you, then this whole plan would seem more feasible. Until then, I choose not to sacrifice the great taste which your original Honey Bunches of Oats has provided to me for so long.

Theory 2
Seeing as how the taste difference is so great between the original and the organic Bunches, I can't help but wonder about how awesome pesticides must taste. Perhaps you should look into a purely pesticidal cereal. You can have the original, and about a year later, you can introduce the new Inorganic version, which promises to have NO natural ingredients, thus supplying the buyer with an even better tasting version of the original Honey Bunches of Pesticides.

-Josh Wax

February 3, 2007 - Saturday

Dear Honey Bunches of Oats,

How do you guys do it? You're no Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, or even Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries...but you got your own thing goin on, and i respect that.

You're a brown cereal, which to me says "crap", but no, you took brown cereals to a whole new level of non-crap. Sliced bananas? Sweeteners? You need not these things. All you need is a bowl, milk, spoon, and an open mind willing to look beyond the brown.

And for this, i thank you, Honey bunches of goodness, for you have broken the barrier brown cereals around the world have only dreamed of cracking.

October 10, 2006 - Tuesday

Potato Vs Cheese

Jared: Cheese really is the best food ever. You can make anything and then add cheese to it and it makes it better.
Me: I like potatoes.
Jared: "hmm this normal taco is alright..."*add melted cheese* best taco ever. "This steak is pretty good" *add melted cheese* this steak is the sh**"
Me: You can do french fries, seasoned fries, steak fries, those lil waffle like fries like Arbys has, curly qs, tator tots, mashed potatoes, smothered potatoes, augraten potatoes, baked potatoes, potato wedges, hash browns, take out broken bulbs, Mr. Potato Head, potato chips...be it lays, pringles, whatever...
Jared: but cheese can go on all those potatoes
Me: don't you mean....potatoes can go on all those cheeses?cheese is basically bacteria. potato is veggie
Jared: potato is a bad veggi though
Me: why
Jared: carbs
Me: potato is the MAN. you need some carbs
Jared: in the book it says i can eat all the veggies i want except for potatoes and advacatoes...which i know are really bad for you
Me: potatos can sprout without even being in the ground...can YOU do that? can CHEESE do that?
Jared: potatoes also caused a famine and killed millions
Me: cheese stands alone. it has no friends. and before potato was a food, it was a decoration. before cheese was a food, it was just mold
Jared: well the moon is made of cheese, so cheese is better. God created earth and then the cheese moon
Me: and then sat down and ate a potato
Jared: rofl...and than he dipped it in the moon cause it was bland
Me: hey...augraten potatos are still potatoes. it's not that cheese and salt and sour cream and all that stuff make the potato taste better...it's that the potato makes all those things taste better...it gives them a purpose in this crazy world
Jared: now, i like a good baked potato more than anyone, but cheese goes on more food that make it better than just the potato
Me: think about it this way...i look at a potato and think "mmmm....potato". i look at cheese and think "hey...the milk went bad"
Jared: well God told me he loves cheese more than a potatoe
Me: yeah...me and God were laughin about that later. he comes up to me...can hardly get his words out he's laughin so hard....and says "guess what i just told jared....."
Jared: you guys suck. tell jesus hes not welcome in my apt. last time he ate all my funyuns
Me: yeah...the only chip you don't dip in cheese

June 24, 2006 - Saturday

News

you ever start watching the news and then about a half hour later you realize you're watching the news?

June 13, 2006 - Tuesday