Trends

I was behind a van earlier, and on the rear window it had "ACROPHOBIA" in big letters. Under that, in smaller letters, it said "fear of heights." Is there a new trend that I'm unaware of where people put vocabulary terms and definitions on their vehicles?

It's about time, because I've been waiting for the right time to put "volte-face: a reversal, as in policy or opinion" on my tribute.

Dear Alabama,

Do you realize how many people would be dead right now if stars truly fell on Alabama? Especially 'stars' in the plural form? Must you continue to spread these lies on your license plates?

Evacuations

I just heard the news talk about mandatory evacuations in certain areas. After that, the news talked about voluntary evacuations in certain areas.

Isn't every area ALWAYS under a "voluntary" evacuation???

Italian

I don't care if it is another language or not. I don't think Italian restaurants should have "anti"pastas.

Call me closed-minded, but I believe all Italian entrees should be pro-pasta; regardless of food content.

???

ya know how sometimes you ask a question to a group of people to see if they feel the same way as you, but then you find out that they don't feel the same way, so then you go and deny the fact that you feel that way because you don't want to look stupid?

um yea.....me niether

Bottled Water

i love how bottled water specifies "drinking water" on it as if they sell bottled toilet water or something.

bottled toilet water, eh?

i think i just came on to something. and i can have different brands and flavors. i can see the slogans now...."SURGE....Feed the Flush", or for the Seven Up flavor "Make Seven Flush Yours"....yea yea...that's what i'll do...what a marketing genius i am...i'll have frozen toilet waters too......

who wants to be the first one to try a Flushy?

ziplock

so i was staring at one of those clear ziplock freezer bags, and on it they have that white label which says "contents" and "date" on it...and you write in what they are...

if you have to read the label to find out what's inside a clear ziplock bag...i think it's about that time to throw that thing out

Have You Ever...

Have you ever been listening to a song that is just so awesome and so incredible that it hits that certain piece of your heart and just grabs your soul, and you get so wrapped up in the song that you just have to close your eyes and forget about anything and everything else that is going on around you, and then a few minutes later, when the song is over, you wipe the tears from your eyes and then you begin to open them up for what seems like the first time in your life?

And then suddenly you remember that you're driving?

February 26, 2008 - Tuesday

Dear Webster,

Did you ever notice that if the word "obesity" began with an "A" instead of an "O", the word would be pronounced "A-B-C-D"???

I present this thought to you, because if anyone can change the spelling of a word, it would be you, Webster. See what you can do. And in order to spread the word, I'll go talk to the people at American Heritage and Oxford, but since you two seem so close, could you bring this up with Merriam?

January 20, 2008 - Sunday

Dear Baby Cut Carrots,

You resemble cheetos on the outside, but taste nothing alike. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and shame shame, I know your name. I hereby request that you disband immediately and surrender your profits over to cheetos.

February 8, 2007 - Thursday

Dear Honey Bunches of Oats (part 2)

First off, I would like to commend you on your variety, be it cinnamon, strawberry, banana, peaches, et cetera. Just recently I discovered the Organic Honey Bunches of Oats, which as the very informative employee at Walmart tells me, it differs from the original because they make sure no pesticides or anything along those lines were used.

I was finally able to sit down this morning to a bowl, and I couldn't help but feel that it lacked the Honey Bunches of goodness that I once fell in love with. So I present to you these two theories I believe you should look into.

Theory 1
Whereas I agree with your decision to go the extra step in making a healthy product even healthier, I do believe that "organic" is not the way to go. Until you can convince everyone else to jump on the organic bandwagon, it seems pretty pointless for me to worry about Honey Bunches of Oats having unnatural ingredients when everything else available to me throughout the day has the same amount, or even more unnatural ingredients as your product. Perhaps if you could convince McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Pizza-Hut, and/or Hersheys to go along with you, then this whole plan would seem more feasible. Until then, I choose not to sacrifice the great taste which your original Honey Bunches of Oats has provided to me for so long.

Theory 2
Seeing as how the taste difference is so great between the original and the organic Bunches, I can't help but wonder about how awesome pesticides must taste. Perhaps you should look into a purely pesticidal cereal. You can have the original, and about a year later, you can introduce the new Inorganic version, which promises to have NO natural ingredients, thus supplying the buyer with an even better tasting version of the original Honey Bunches of Pesticides.

-Josh Wax

February 3, 2007 - Saturday

Dear Honey Bunches of Oats,

How do you guys do it? You're no Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, or even Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries...but you got your own thing goin on, and i respect that.

You're a brown cereal, which to me says "crap", but no, you took brown cereals to a whole new level of non-crap. Sliced bananas? Sweeteners? You need not these things. All you need is a bowl, milk, spoon, and an open mind willing to look beyond the brown.

And for this, i thank you, Honey bunches of goodness, for you have broken the barrier brown cereals around the world have only dreamed of cracking.

October 10, 2006 - Tuesday

Potato Vs Cheese

Jared: Cheese really is the best food ever. You can make anything and then add cheese to it and it makes it better.
Me: I like potatoes.
Jared: "hmm this normal taco is alright..."*add melted cheese* best taco ever. "This steak is pretty good" *add melted cheese* this steak is the sh**"
Me: You can do french fries, seasoned fries, steak fries, those lil waffle like fries like Arbys has, curly qs, tator tots, mashed potatoes, smothered potatoes, augraten potatoes, baked potatoes, potato wedges, hash browns, take out broken bulbs, Mr. Potato Head, potato chips...be it lays, pringles, whatever...
Jared: but cheese can go on all those potatoes
Me: don't you mean....potatoes can go on all those cheeses?cheese is basically bacteria. potato is veggie
Jared: potato is a bad veggi though
Me: why
Jared: carbs
Me: potato is the MAN. you need some carbs
Jared: in the book it says i can eat all the veggies i want except for potatoes and advacatoes...which i know are really bad for you
Me: potatos can sprout without even being in the ground...can YOU do that? can CHEESE do that?
Jared: potatoes also caused a famine and killed millions
Me: cheese stands alone. it has no friends. and before potato was a food, it was a decoration. before cheese was a food, it was just mold
Jared: well the moon is made of cheese, so cheese is better. God created earth and then the cheese moon
Me: and then sat down and ate a potato
Jared: rofl...and than he dipped it in the moon cause it was bland
Me: hey...augraten potatos are still potatoes. it's not that cheese and salt and sour cream and all that stuff make the potato taste better...it's that the potato makes all those things taste better...it gives them a purpose in this crazy world
Jared: now, i like a good baked potato more than anyone, but cheese goes on more food that make it better than just the potato
Me: think about it this way...i look at a potato and think "mmmm....potato". i look at cheese and think "hey...the milk went bad"
Jared: well God told me he loves cheese more than a potatoe
Me: yeah...me and God were laughin about that later. he comes up to me...can hardly get his words out he's laughin so hard....and says "guess what i just told jared....."
Jared: you guys suck. tell jesus hes not welcome in my apt. last time he ate all my funyuns
Me: yeah...the only chip you don't dip in cheese

June 24, 2006 - Saturday

News

you ever start watching the news and then about a half hour later you realize you're watching the news?

June 13, 2006 - Tuesday

Josh Wax's Theory on the Origin of Woman

After recently being created himself, Adam moped around in the Garden of Eden while eating his lunch.

"Adam," Said the Lord God Almighty with a voice like thunder, "Why the long face? Are you not happy here?"

"God," Adam replied, "You know I'm happy; I have a whole world to run around in, millions of animals to pet, Playstation 3..."

"Well," God inturrupted, "What seems to be the problem then?"

"Well, I need companionship." Adam answered

"What about Lucy?" God asked.

"Lucy's a goat."

"I see. Well, what type of creature are you looking for?"

"I was thinking...maybe something kind of like me, but not so....manly. Someone I can talk to and spend the rest of my life with."

"I've given you the world already. The land and everything that roams on it or grows from it, it's all yours. Now you want me to give you more?"

"Please, God, just this one more thing and then I'll be happy. I'll do anything for it."

God thought about it for a second, and looked down at Adam's lunch and said "I'll do it if you give me your McRib."

"My McRib???" Adam then took a few seconds to think about this himself. On one hand, he could spend a lifetime enjoying the company of another person to interact with. Someone to love and to hold and to hold a thoughtful conversation with. Then, on the other hand, he could spend a couple minutes enjoying the tasty, juicy, delicious McRib...mmmmm. "You want my McRib?" Adam now said with an attutude. "I would sooner give you one of the ribs from my chest." He then let out a laugh, knowing that there's no way God would take a rib from his very chest....

In the end, Adam recieved his companion, Eve, and was still able to enjoy his McRib. God was happy too. On one hand, he wanted Adam to have a mate even though he wasn't willing to give up his McRib for it. On the other hand, even though he had taken a rib from Adam's chest, God thought his poor attitude deserved a bigger punishment.

And that's my theory on why God doesn't let McDonald's keep the McRib on their menu year round....only long enough to tease us with them.

December 1, 2006 - Friday

This is Gold

Faznuxul: remember back in the day when they had that bubble gum that was in a tooth paste tube?
Faznuxul: sweettarts does that now...it's not bubble gum
Faznuxul: but it's candy, and it's scrumptious
GodzshouldrAngel: yes
GodzshouldrAngel: wasnt it called YouTube
Faznuxul: LOL
Faznuxul: i think it was called MyPaste
GodzshouldrAngel: rofl
Faznuxul: that's gold right there

October 12, 2006 - Thursday

Pink Eye

I had the pleasure of having pink eye in my right eye over the weekend. They say pink eye is highly contagious and tell you to constantly wash your hands and be sure not to come into contact with anyone else so they don't catch it.

I can't help but wonder how contagious pink eye can be though, if my left eye doesn't even catch it. They share the same face...you must know that whatever hand or object i'm rubbing in one eye, I most likely also rub in the other. And however far away I should be from others, I'm positive it must be farther than the inch which seperates my right eye from the left.

Could it be that my nose acts as such a great barrier that even pink eye can not break through from one eye to the other? Perhaps then we should embrace the nose and use it to its fullest potential. No more curtains seperating hospital beds. From now on we produce large artificial noses to keep patients from catching each others illnesses.

Perhaps such illnesses are only the beginning. Perhaps we can build even larger noses to act as larger barriers. Maybe these noses can stop a nuclear attack from spreading throughout a country. Perhaps we should erect these noses at every coast and border of the United States. Perhaps that would also take care of our problem of immigrants coming in from mexico. They may be digging their way into our country now, but c'mon...who's going to dig inside a giant nose? That's just disgusting.

I beseech you all who are with me on this, write your president and congressmen and demand we get to work on these Noses of Refuge at once!

October 2, 2006 - Monday

History in the Eyes of Josh Wax

The year was 1491. Christopher Columbus stood before King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella discussing the voyage at sea he would soon be taking.

King Ferdinand: Topher (that's right...Mr. Grace wasn't the first to cut off the "chris".), everything you have requested has been granted to you. I have given you three ships: The Nina, The Pinta, and The Chiquita...
Queen Isabella: Actually, we already sent The Chiquita over to Asia. I'm assembling a large fruit basket for your mother, and they have the most delectible yellow fruit over there.
King Ferdinand: I think i know exactly what you're talking about. I went there one time, and they sliced up a delightful yellow fruit into my cornflakes. Anyway, where were we?
Queen Isabella: The Chiquita. We must replace it.
King Ferdinand: Yes, yes, of course. We'll get right on top of that. By tomorrow morning, you shall have your third ship, along with all the men you could fit among the three vessels. I suppose you could leave then.
Columbus: Tomorrow, sir?
Queen Isabella: Is tomorrow a bad time to ship off, Topher?
Columbus: Well, you see, I'm working on a lil poem, if you will, and it's just that, I'm having a little trouble finding a good rhyme for it. I could sail off tomorrow, but this is all I'd be able to come up with. Let me know what you think. In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety One, Columbus sailed off and had some fun.
King Ferdinand: Hmmm, well, it does rhyme, but I see what you mean.
Queen Isabella: Perhaps we SHOULD wait til next year.
Columbus: That would be just swell. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to rethink this rhyme...hmmm, In fourteen hundred and ninety two...Columbus...brew, crew, drew, flew...oooh, i like "flew"...grew, jew. This is gonna be tough. Ohhh, what a lovely shade of blue on their curtains. I just adore the color blue. Blue...it's just such an awesome color...King, sir, what shade of blue would you call that?
King Ferdinand: Ocean Blue
Columbus: Ah, Ocean Blue, how lovely...Ocean Blue. Now then, back to the poem. Moo, new, rue, Sue, view....

Disclaimer: This story is only based on true events about true people. I can guarantee you that the dialogue spoken here did NOT occur among Christopher Columbus and the King and Queen of Spain. And also, there is no proof whatsoever that Christopher Columbus ever answered to the name "Topher". Children under12 should not read this story unaccompanied by an adult and should never use this story as a resource when doing homework for History class.

October 1, 2006 - Sunday

Pinatas

I was at my nieces birthday party saturday and they had a pinata. I never realized how disturbing the idea of a pinata is. You're careful about what they're introduced to throughout life, whether it be violent movies/tv/people. Then, for every birthday gathering you:

1. hang a creature from a tree
2. give the kid a bat
3. have them beat it to death until only their head's left hanging
4. loot everything they can from the corpse as the head continues to hang down from the limb

July 17, 2006 - Monday